in Complain

Surprise Bender

Ever find yourself on an accidental bender? Not a planned bender like a bachelor party, or a music festival, or even an out of town wedding weekend. No, I’m talking about a random series of parties / events / personal influences that arrange themselves, almost cosmically, in such a way that you suddenly find yourself saying, “Holy crap. I’ve been drunk for like four days.” It doesn’t happen often–maybe once every 12-18 months–and once I realize what’s going on, pulling out of the tailspin is a pretty straightforward endeavor. But that moment of realization is one of stark self-loathing. It usually involves a slow survey of the surroundings, a mental replay of the previous days’ events, some moderate shuddering, and an inner monologue to the effect of, “Wait just a cotton picking minute. I feel absolutely terrible. Why in god’s name is there a full beer in my hand? I feel like I’ve been embalmed. With dumpster water.”

That’s how I’m beginning to feel about this election cycle. Not about any candidate in particular, but about the whole thing. I still had a lingering national politics hangover from 2004 when this election lurched into motion, so that’s where the bender analogy comes from. Actually, it might be national news in general that is beating me about the head and neck with the circus of primaries simply leading the charge. Hearing the sound bites from all the voters who have been inadvertently granted more influence over the election process than myself followed by sound bites from Boeing employees / supporters complaining that, despite losing five out of five criteria in the bidding process, the $35 billion aerial refueling contract should be awarded to Boeing because MY TAXES AIN’T PAYING FOR NO FAUX FRENCH PLANE makes me want to calmly convey from the rooftops, “Damnit, America, you suck. Shut the fuck up.” During the drive to work yesterday, I involuntarily moaned loudly at some nondescript doomsday news story and stabbed the CD button on the stereo with a violently thrusting digit.

AAAAaaaaaaaaaaanyway, the beer tasting last night was super duper. For those of you who have been longing to know the relationship between lupulin glands, Alpha Acids, and isohumulones, last night was your chance and you blew it. One of these days you will learn. Actually, I don’t think there were any empty seats so never mind. Next week: yeast.

I’ve delayed reporting on the gutters until after some rainfall, which we received this morning. They were installed while we were at work on Wednesday and they look great. As for performance, I didn’t see any glaring problems during a cursory inspection this morning, but they did make some design changes that I’m not totally sold on yet. I’ll wait for a torrential downpour for final judgment. A quasi-humorous aside regarding customer service: I called several gutter companies requesting estimates last week. One company (Company A) seemed particularly skilled and they said they would call me back later that day. No call. The next day, I called them again because I was interested in hearing their price. They again said they would have someone contact me that day. They never called, so I gave their website the finger and selected a different vendor (Company B). Company B said they would send their crew out on Wednesday. On Wednesday morning I get a call from someone who says, “Hey I just wanted to call and let you know we’ll be out there to do that estimate today.”

“Well that’s great, but you’re supposed to do the actual work today.”

“Right, the estimate.”

“No, Phil did the estimate last week. You’re supposed to install the gutters today.”

“There’s no one named Phil working here.”

“Who did you say you’re with?”

“Company A.”

“Oh, my bad. Yeah, I called you guys twice last week. Company B is coming out to do the work today because you suck at life.”

Like I said, only quasi-humorous, but satisfying nonetheless.

Tomorrow: Wood chipper.

  1. I accidentally overheard some CNN when I was at the car wash the other day, and it made me kind of hate everything.

  2. Tony, I’d be interested in hearing who you picked for your gutters and why. I’ve gotta do a whole new roof and gutters (and other stuff) and, being innately lazy, I figure why do research when someone else can do it for me?

  3. yeah I feel ya on the embalmed with dumpster water thing, but that’s where me and you split company. Following a brief moment of depression, I begin to think about how much fun I must have had in order to feel this way now. The beer is half full maaaaaaan.

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