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Road Hazard

Did anyone happen to lose their weird antenna looking thing in the middle lane of I-285 southbound just past Atlanta Road last night? No? Because the right rear tire of Gia’s car found it and it is available for you to pick up at:

555 You Owe Me Four New Tires Street
I Hate You, Georgia 30080

Full set here.

Short story short: I was driving to pick Pat up from the airport so he could give me his treatment and we could stay up until 6AM drinking beer and playing foosball like we’re frigging undergrads or some crap. Cruising along, la dee da, when I’m startled by a sudden BANG BANG, followed by a couple loud knocks in the right rear wheel well. The car starts pulling to the right and I hear a horrible rumbling from the back. Having a pretty good idea what’s going on, I drift into the e-lane AAAAAAAAAAAND we’re stopped. Based on the noises and pulling, I was nay surprised to see a super-flat right rear tire, so I set about changing while 18-wheelers whizzed past inches from my forehead. A couple minutes later I was finished (because I am a super hero) and back on my way.

Side note: I pulled off at an exit down the road to double check that I had tightened the lug nuts all the way. While I was waiting to turn off the ramp, I heard a loud crack like a small rock had hit the windshield. I looked at all the windows for cracks, saw none, and thought nothing of it. It wasn’t until I was at the airport that I noticed someone had shot my back window with a yellow paintball. I mean really. Who shoots cars with paint balls? Come on. Better than real bullets I suppose.

Today I took the car up to the tire place to asses the damage. This was where we discovered Posiedon’s trident up there sticking in the tire. These are the original tires, and as such, they have 34,000 or so mile on them. According to the sales guy and my owner’s manual, because the car has a delicate suspension and all-wheel drive, all four tires must be replaced at the same time or Tony Soprano will turn gay. I run over one little giant spike and all of a sudden we’re looking at not quite one thousand American dollars in repairs. I hope you’re not surprised because I’m not surprised at all. In fact, I was hoping this would happen. I’m taking a nap.

  1. You should always have matching tires. And underwear. And socks. Have some self respect. Jesus.

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