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Home Improvening

We’ve lived in Tall Brown for a little over four years. Based on how much we’ve done to it from an improvement standpoint, you’d think we moved in last weekend. Well … those days are OVER! The pace of house humpery has been gradually increasing over the past several weeks and will continue to increase until we are either finished or broke. We are prepared for the latter because the prior is impossible. I will now talk about various activities / products that have already transpired / been purchased or are on the radar to transpire / be purchased. Everyone, buckle up. This is going to suck.

Back in December, the bearded booty man obliterated a gigantic woody beast before it has the chance to obliterate us. Two weekends ago, he came back by asking if we had anything else he could do for us. I told him the only thing I could think of was the project of de-brushing the backyard. (By de-brushing, I essentially meant the complete annihilation of everything smaller than 6 inches in diameter.) Like all things it seems, it’s a project we’ve been meaning to tackle for the past 37 winters but were never able to muster the motivation. He quoted me yet another screaming low price so I set him to work. A few short hours later I was again wondering if I had just been horn-swoggled because it all happened so quickly. Regardless, all of the unsightly undergrowth is now in a nice giant pile waiting for the next step, which is … I am going to rent (or borrow, if possible) a wood chipper and make myself a mulch mountain. Maybe even this weekend. Should be a good time. Watch out.

On Wednesday morning, a nice team of skilled artisans are going to replace our old, rusty gutters with new not-yet-rusty gutters. No, we are not getting gutter guards, so don’t even bother asking. And don’t leave any comments that say, “Dude, you should get gutter guards.,” or, “We got gutter guards and we love them.” If I thought we’d be in this house for 20 more years, I would consider gutter guards. As it stands, I could replace the regular gutters every year for 5 years and it would still be cheaper than gutter guards. Gutter guards need to quit kidding themselves with those hilarious prices.

On Sunday (yesterday), I purchased a new front door for the Brown Tall one to replace the current access point, which is metal, the color of bloody stool, and accented with a small window of smoked glass and gold trim. In a word: Hate. Also, the screen door / storm door is undesirable in color and its condition could bet be described as “broke-ass.” The new door is fiberglass and I am in the process of painting it screaming fire-engine red. We are also toying with the idea of painting the trim around the door frame black. Yes, it IS very exciting.

While we were out shopping for doors two weekends ago, we ventured out to the Home Depot clearance center. While they didn’t have any doors, they did have a 9-light wrought iron chandelier we deemed suitable for our entry way. It wouldn’t have been my first choice in a standard setting, but the price ($29) was deemed more than adequate and we bought the shit out of it. It will replace the current light, which also boasts that popular 80s motif of smoked glass and brass. Gawd. Now all I need is a wicked hella tall ladder / scaffolding system to get up that high. We’ve actually got two really high ceiling fans that need to be removed, humiliated, tortured, destroyed, and replaced with something with less SMOKED GLASS AND BRASS, so maybe I’ll rent something needlessly huge and knock them all out at once.

We will also be redoing the back deck (and maybe the front one too) in short order. If any of you know a high-quality, fair-priced deck contractor, please leave a comment or send their info to my name at

After the deck, hardwood floors. We are smitten with Kit and Ashley’s bamboo floors so we may follow their lead.

After floors, kitchen and master bath.

After all that, I imagine the pine tree we cut down in December will be 80 feet tall again and the cycle will continue.

  1. guess I got lucky; house I bought came with mostly hardwood floors. and I light-tanned berbered the rest.

    my front and back decks are still shadily-built and extremely shakily termite-ridden. My neighbor across the way just got a new entrance, but I have neither the impitus nor fundage to fix mine.

    Last year I cut down all the pine trees, because they sucked.

  2. If you need advice on installing hardwoods… let me know, we did that this past weekend. As for the gutter guards, just buy the plastic covers at Lowes; for the whole house, it only cost us like $50. Gutter guards are a waste; you are totally right.

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