Observations from my lunch break




I drove by a section of construction on Piedmont that smelled exactly like asparagus pee.

Willy’s is so much better than Moe’s it’s silly. Ghat DAMN Moe’s sucks. Silly, I tell you.

People are looking at me funny today. Whatever.

I was counting on a certain store for a certain Jesusmas present for a certain family member and said certain store no longer carries said certain present. I am now going to have to get creative.

Feeling wind and drizzle on my face feels weird. I’m just glad the skin under my beard wasn’t all gray and mealy.

My contribution to the bloody mudhole that used to resemble a dead horse (College Football)

For the record, I do not think Georgia ever deserved to play for the title. At their current playing level, I do think they could hang with anyone in the NCAA, but they didn’t get it done when it mattered so open mouth and insert medicine. I doubt they try to sleepwalk through South Carolina or Tennessee (like that’s ever been an option) over the next few seasons. Rather than crowd the airwaves with anymore blabber I’ll simply re-post how all of the coaches voted for UGA in the latest Coaches Poll, really for no other reason than mild entertainment. (Sent to me by a co-worker.)

Frank Beamer, Virginia Tech – 6
Mike Bellotti, Oregon – 4
Brett Bielema, Wisconsin – 5
Larry Blakeney, Troy – 4
Tommy Bowden, Clemson – 4
Bobby Bowden, FSU – 3
Jeff Bower, Southern Mississippi – 3
Art Briles, Houston – 6
Mack Brown, Texas – 7
Bill Callahan, Nebraska – 7
Neil Callaway, Alabama at Birmingham – 2
Lloyd Carr, Michigan – 6
Mario Cristobal, Florida International – 5
Sylvester Croom, Mississippi State – 3
Bill Cubit, Western Michigan – 5
Mark Dantonio, Michigan State – 6
Butch Davis, North Carolina – 5
Bill Doba, Washington State – 5
Randy Edsall, Connecticut – 2
Dennis Franchione, Texas A&M – 4
Phillip Fulmer, Tennessee – 4
Jeff Genyk, Eastern Michigan – 4
Joe Glenn, Wyoming – 10
Jim Grobe, Wake Forest – 5
Dan Hawkins, Colorado – 6
Pat Hill, Fresno State – 6
Steve Kragthorpe, Louisville – 4
Mark Leach, Texas Tech – 2
Rocky Long, New Mexico – 6
Sonny Lubick, Colorado State – 4
Bill Lynch, Indiana – 4
Doug Martin, Kent State – 6
Les Miles, LSU – 3
Shane Montgomery, Miami (Ohio) – 5
Hal Mumme, New Mexico State – 9
Joe Novak, Northern Illinois – 6
Houston Nutt, Arkansas – 3
Tom O’Brien, North Carolina State – 7
George O’Leary, Central Florida – 4
Gary Patterson, TCU – 3
Chris Peterson, Boise State – 4
Mark Richt, Georgia – 2
Mike Riley, Oregon State – 5
Rich Rodriguez, West Virginia – 3
Greg Schiano, Rutgers – 2
Howard Schnellenberger, Florida Atlantic -8
Mark Snyder, Marshall – 6
Frank Solich, Ohio – 4
Steve Spurrier, South Carolina – 4
Rich Stockstill, Middle Tennessee – 4
Bob Stoops, Oklahoma – 8
Jeff Tedford, California – 6
Joe Tiller, Purdue – 4
Bob Toledo, Tulane – 2
Dick Tomey, San Jose State – 6
Jim Tressel, Ohio State – 6
Tommy Tuberville, Auburn – 5
Charlie Weis, Notre Dame – 2
Tyrone Willingham, Washington – 4
Ron Zook, Illinois – 5

November 2007 Search Strings – SLUTS!!

So here we are, rounding the final turn into 2007′s home stretch. It’s dark when you wake up, and it’s dark when you get out of work. Trains of thought have become contemplative and introretrospective. In addition to free shipping deadlines, the teeming masses of internet users have one thing on their mind.

And that thing is sluts.

More than anything else in November, this website returned search results for sluts. And not just Mexican sluts, but sand sluts, slough sluts, nazi sluts, and the ever elusive thin Mexican sluts, too. I am proud that I have inadvertently established myself as a cornerstone of slut reference, though I imagine visitors are generally disappointed. I don’t even know what a sand slut is. Sounds like it hurts.

Coming in behind sluts this time around were people seeking relief for a disorder collectively known as “jalapeno in eye.” I only posted one reference because jalapenos aren’t as entertaining as sluts, but the two together sound like a hell of a party.

Continue reading

The internet is a bathroom stall full of jerks and twits

I just signed up for twitter. I have no idea why. I will likely end up neglecting the shit out of it like everything else. Actually I know exactly why I signed up. It’s been I-don’t-know-how-long-since I’ve signed up for some new web app or social engineering site and I began to feel like I was falling behind. A cut-throat lifestyle, these internets.

I’ll give you one guess what my screen name is. Starts with a ‘t’ … ends with an ‘onysimon.’ If you can figure it out, I expect to see some action. If you can’t figure it out, let me know so I can begin cutting ties with you.

Wherein I display some self control

Yesterday I wrote a big long post about how utterly useless the traffic updates on WABE are during rush hour. Then I re-read it and realized I sounded unbearably whiny and childish. So I added a disclaimer at the beginning explaining that I was breaking a personal rule about not posting rants very often because of how childish and whiny I end up sounding. Then I added another disclaimer that I was also breaking a personal rule about refraining from ripping on WABE because I do actually value their (sometimes sub-standard) services and I would be sad if they went away. Then I realized that the whole thing was an unentertaining, uninformative mess and I deleted the fucking shit out of it. In a nutshell:

1. 15 seconds is not even remotely long enough for an adequate traffic update.

2. Within said updates, ANY helpful information would be super. This does not cut it:

“Thanks, Steve. Trouble continues on I-285. This traffic report is being brought to you by a company that makes pink eye medication. The west expressway is experiencing delays because of a tractor trailer stall near the perimeter. The east expressway is really slow because of earlier trouble and your ride on 400 is almost an hour from Windward down to 285. For WABE, this is blah blah blah.”

Raise your hand when you find the useful bits of information in there. All of you with your hands up will need to leave your driver’s licenses and keys in the basket by the door on the way out because THERE ISN’T ANY USEFUL INFORMATION IN THAT TRAFFIC UPDATE, BUTTFACES!! I would like to meet the person who displays any sort of reaction whatsoever upon hearing 400 is slow from Alpharetta to 285 during morning rush hour. So, yeah, traffic updates on public radio are like sports updates on public radio: They only do it because they have to and they end up sounding really silly, so they should just stop (unless it’s something catastrophic like a bus driving off of a bridge, WHICH WABE also managed to under-report despite stopping traffic from Orlando to Richmond).

This weekend, Gia is going to Helen with some girlie friends, presumably to paint their toenails and talk about how awesome I am. I have nothing planned.

I am all hot and bothered at the prospect of Georgia playing Southern Cal in the Rose Bowl.

That is all.

This post is for Rusty Tanton

I was at the gym tonight and there was one of those catbear girls working out. I could tell because she was wearing a shirt from CatBear University commemorating some alphabet soup formal from 2002 or something. Anyway, she was totally hot, so I’ll let you have this round.

Also, without any squealing whatsoever, I can now do one and three-quarters pullups. That’s not just for Rusty. That’s for everyone.

Fest6 Pics

Almost exactly a month after the fact, I uploaded some Fest pics yesterday. Looking through them, it’s spooky how much Sparks was consumed. Not all that surprising, though, considering Sparks and PBR talls were both $1.50 all weekend. One could casually alternate between the two and accidentally live forever. Click pretty much anywhere above the fold to see the whole flickr set.

Last night, Will and I saw Chuck Ragan at the Masquerade. It was super good fun. Having been to about 30 bazillion shows upstairs in Heaven, this was the first time I had ever seen a show down in Hell. It’s actually a pretty good rock venue–solid sound system, good sounding room, plenty of room to move around, etc–but this acoustic business is much better suited for The Drunken Unicorn or The Earl. There were only about 60 people there.


Booger eater dies of dehydration.

I can only assume that’s what the media means by “peacefully.”

Yes, that was tasteless and uncalled for. Whatever. I drink more Gatorade (typo came out as Gatordare, heh) than anyone I know, so cram it in half. I would be lost without it. Powerade? Ew. Though, I wonder why they never made White Powerade. Seems like that would sell really well in the South.

Bulldogs and breakfast

How about a nice old-fashioned stream-of-consciousness weekend recap? Good, let’s begin.

On Friday, The Geester and I met up with Tim and Angela and Audrey for dinner at the Brickstore. (For the record, the Brickstore is a greater asset to the Atlanta metro area than Coca-Cola, Stone Mountain, Georgia Tech, and all of Gwinnett county combined. Go ahead, try to argue.) Following a festive fall meal and a couple drinks, we visited Casa de Georges to check it out now that they’re all moved in. They live in the size house Gia and I need to live in. It’s nice having plenty of space, but we both freely admit that our house is excessive. We called it a relatively early night because …

… we got up early on Saturday and high tailed it over to Athens for the game. Our original plan was to simply show up, tail gate for a couple hours, tool around downtown during the first part of the game, and then beat traffic back to Atlanta. We happened across a couple tickets on Friday, so we ended up going into the game and staying through the third quarter. I’ve noticed lately that I am amassing a multitude of wildly unpopular opinions with regards to the University of Georgia Bulldogs. I will aggregate the significant ones here:

- I like Michael Adams and I like what he’s done for the University over the past ten years.
- Removing Vince Dooley was the right decision.
- Munson should have called it a career after last season.
- Going through the logistics of watching a game in person at Sanford is a COLOSSAL PAIN IN THE ASS. It’s one thing if someone is like, “Here’s a ride, here’s a ticket, here’s a beer, here’s a place to sleep.” I will be hard pressed organize it again on my own any time soon.

Obviously, the first three items are merely a vehicle to get to the last item. To anyone who thinks, “WTF?! U don’t luv TEH BULLDOGS,” I say dissent, patriotism, etc. I love Athens and we are going to try to get up there more often, but game days are an awful lot of work.

Yesterday, after sleeping in (but still arising at around 8:30 because apparently we are adults), we decided to seek out a new breakfast spot reasonably near the house. Yelp listed the Vermont Mustard Co. with high reviews, so we decided to put our collective appetites in their hands for the morning.

I give it a very solid, “Meh.” The hard part (the food) was the best part, which is the most important detail. My eggs and bacon and sausage and multigrain toast were all expertly prepared.

It was the easy stuff that will cause me to think twice before enthusiastically returning any time soon. The most egregious error is still hard to comprehend. Plastic silverware. And really shitty, Delta-coach plastic silverware to boot. The short, flexible kind. You know what I’m talking about. And while the playtime fork and knife were the most obnoxious, the food was also served on flimsy, plastic plates. The kind you can almost see through. I ordered a coffee and a water and was handed two 20 oz styrofoam cups. Who the fuck uses styrofoam cups? (The coffee itself was decidedly “Meh” too, which is inexcusable, but I don’t want to talk about that.) Before you hastily bang out comments deriding me for turning my nose up at the flatware and china on which my food is served, allow me to stab you with my point.

I understand there is some sort of water situation or something threatening to bring Southeastern US civilization to its knees. Have you guys heard about this? Anyway, if VMC is serving everything on disposable wares as some sort of conservation tactic, well, I don’t know enough about the draught or how much water VMC would be saving via this tactic to offer a substantial critique. But if this IS their tactic, there was no messaging whatsoever to that end leaving me to believe that this is their standard operating procedure. And if this is, in fact, standard operating procedure, then WHAT IN THE FUCKITY FUCK? It’s 2007, and when Gia and I finished our meals, we gathered up our plastic plates and our plastic silverware and our styrofoam cups and our paper napkins and threw them all in the only trash receptacle available. The bed-wetting liberal inside me makes me want to never return to VMC for this reason alone.

But the bacon was really thick and delicious, so what are you going to do?