… he puttered in the yard.

In honor of Jeremy’s nonchalance towards his lawn, I would like to present:

The Anatomy of Kick-Ass Grass: An Intro-Retrospecticus.

Volumes of literature abound that explore the best biological techniques (water, fertilizer, sun, etc) for cultivating a fantastic looking lawn, but very little discourse exists when it comes to physically maintaining the grass (mowing, edging, tae kwon do, etc). Since my attention span is shorter than a moustache on a 10-year old, I have a very hard time with the scientific part, and I tend to overcompensate with the physical maintenance. I want to do some work and see immediate results. I do not want to add some chemicals, wait a day, apply water, wait another day, massage the turf and add more water, wait a couple weeks, and then maybe see some results. Besides, neatly manicured weeds look much better than even the healthiest lawn if it’s shaggy an unkempt. It is my downfall, I know. But it is also my grass, and it looks better than yours, so cram it until the neighbors’ kids start asking questions. Without further ado: A typical Saturday morning at Casa de Humptown, 30080.

This is my grass, and as you can see, it’s waaaaay too long:

First things first, you must love your tools. Love your tools and they will love you back. If you don’t love your tools, they will turn against you. Ever seen a lawn mowed by a mower with one broken wheel? Looks pretty stupid. Ever caught a piece of trimmer string in the cheek? Feels good like getting stabbed. Secondly, safety first, motherfucker. A gas-powered nature eraser is like a rabid squirrel on a stick, and what kind of dumbass is going to wave that around his yard without the requisite protective eyewear? Love and safety:

The one tool I have that I don’t love is this gas can:

This can, made by the Blitz corporation, is a royal, frustrating, piece of shit. See that black nozzle? That thing is stiff like PVC, which makes bending it into the mower’s gas tank a spill-rific endeavor every damn time. Some Blitz sales rep scored and got the Home Depot account, so this is pretty much all that is on the shelf at the orange warehouse. You’ve been warned.

Once the loving, and fueling, and cussing, and cleaning is complete, it’s time for the John Deere to establish a nice even edge everywhere the grass meets concrete. That’s right, I own a Deere. It might be the single smallest tool that Deere makes, but it’s still a Deere. I could wear one of those trendy trucker hats bearing a Deere logo without the slightest tinge of irony:

Rather than invest in some wanky edger, I just turn the nature eraser on it’s side and carve away. Edging the whole yard takes about 6 minutes. Before:

After:

The army calibrates their instruments on this sexy curve:

The next step is the actual mowing, which might be the most underrated domestic chore in existence. I love mowing. I find it deeply satisfying. Behold, the tool of my trade:

Briggs and Stratton makes ONE HAIL of a small gas engine, and my 5HP Quantum kicks wicked ayse. The handle and bagging system, I could take or leave, but the engine (aka the important part) is a beast.

Most people mow their grass the same way every time. They start at a straight-ish edge (driveway, street, etc), and go back and forth until they’re finished. And their yards look … okay. I do two things very differently. 1) I mow at an angle that compliments the shape of the yard and overall landscaping aesthetic, and 2) I change it up every week. Here you can see the uncut grass, clearly showing which way I mowed last week. Notice how the lines don’t follow the driveway or the street, but rather, they lead the eye diagonally across the front acreage creating the impression that the lawn is literally tearing ass all over the yard:

So this week, I will start over by the mailbox (left side of picture)and mow the opposite direction, naturally. Just like tiling a floor, you don’t start at the edge and work your way in. Rather, you start right in the GHAT damn middle and work your way to the edge. This takes some practice, but once you get it, you’ll never go back. Here’s a view of the grass standing next to the mailbox:

The overall quality of the entire mowing job rests on this first line, so PAY ATTENTION!! Visualize the way you want the first line to look, and line up your mower where said line will start. This is the important part: Pick a spot on the other side of the lawn and focus on it. In my case, it is where the sun is hitting the base of that Saucer Magnolia tree. Once you have everything lined up, simply walk the mower to the spot you picked out (assuming you have started your mower first, duh). You MUST keep your gaze directed at the predetermined spot. DO NOT LOOK AT THE GROUND DIRECTLY IN FRONT OF THE MOWER!! It’s just like driving, if you look right in front of the mower, you’ll weave all over the place. Stare directly at the spot and walk towards it. Voila:

This being an instructional demonstration, I’ll be honest. The above line is okay. I can do better, and I did several hundred pushups as personal punishment. Once you have your first line cut, the real work begins. It is the subtle consistency and uniformity that separates an acceptable yard from a grandma-slapping, sexy patch of the American dream. Actually, there is nothing subtle about precision, so forget I said that. Your goal is to make every line look exactly the same. For this you will need to stare at the spot directly in front of the wheel that is dividing the cut grass from the uncut. If your first line is straight, all you have to do is keep the wheel right on the outside of the uncut grass. It’s very meditative. The finished product:

At this point, your bridal shower-bound wife may or may not come out of the house and say, “Why are you taking so many pictures of the grass? Why can’t you ever be not retarded?”

She loves me.

Feh. Someday she’ll understand, but not today. For those of you who are sensitive to gross violations of rule #2, you may want to go to a different website. This part is hella-tricky. A few months ago, I decided I wanted the grass on both sides of the driveway to be cut in the same direction. Rather than try to eyeball it, I’ve incorporated the same technique from cutting the first line of the day. Midway through cutting the first half, while making a swath back towards the driveway, I simply traverse the driveway in a straight line and carve a new first line in the other side. Then I mow the entire other side based on the first line. Rule #2 be damned:

I’ve also managed to usurp the traditional clippings disposal process. Most of my neighbors have brown paper bags sitting at the curb from Saturday until the yard refuse truck comes thorugh on Wednesday. Remember Compostron? Well, it’s still kicking ass, and it eats well more than it’s fair share of lawn clippings each week.

Mary-Kate:

Ashley:

And that’s pretty much it. Stop looking at mowing the lawn as a burden and more like the art of bonsai trees or one of those miniature zen rock gardens with the sand and the little wooden rake. And remember, before you put your tools away, love them:

“But Tony,” you ask impatiently, “how the hell are your glorious piles of firewood doing?” They are doing great actually. For those of you who don’t remember all the firewood I split in February, here is what it looked like the day I finished splitting it a scant 6 months ago:

Notice that it is stacked just above the fence. Now check out a picture from this past Saturday:

“But Tony,” you are so annoying, “It appears to have shrunk.” Yes it has. And that is good. That means moisture has been cooking out of the wood all year and that it should be ready to burn in the next couple months. Pyro-rific:

Wow, that update was a monster. I’m spent.