in Complain

Stabbity Stabbity Face Face Face

Complaining about the dentist is unoriginal, uninspired, overdone, and boring. So, without further ado …

As I lay there attempting to squeeze the blood from the arms of the chair to distract myself from the pain, I began to wonder where my logic had failed me. I had essentially walked into the front door and said, “Hi, I have $200 extra dollars that, if not taken from me soon, will be irresponsibly wasted on such frivolity as groceries and utilities. Please take it. In return for your noble service, I would also like you to stab me in the mouth repeatedly and talk to me like I’m an ill-behaved child.”

I’m not going to sugar coat it. My gums have looked better. Based on the hygenist’s tone and body language, you’d think she was peering into the mouth of a Komodo Dragon. “Hmmm … there is some bleeding on this tooth … how many babies did you slaughter on your way to the glue factory this morning, Mr. Goebbels?” I had to fight not to respond, “Yes. It is bleeding. BECAUSE YOU STABBED ME!! IT WASN”T BLEEDING WHEN I GOT HERE, FRAU! WHY DO YOU KEEP STABBING ME?! OW!! YOU KEEP DOING IT!!”

Now, I am no stranger to the dentist’s implements. By my sohpomore year in high school, I had already tolerated caps, teeth-pulling, braces, a root canal, a bridge, crowns, and more x-rays than Lois Lane. (Despite my complaintive tone, I am deeply thankful that my parents took such an interest in my chompers.) Even after all that, I can honestly say that today’s cleaning was the most unpleasant procedure I have ever endured. This deep gum flushing involves a tool that looks like the pointy scraper dentists use, except this one shoots some sort of minty oven cleaner out of the tip. The hygenist jabs this thing between the tooth and the gum and scrapes it back and forth. You bitch. I hate you. She was nice enough to get me pseudo-numb before the procedure, but it really only made things worse. I think the part that bothered me so much was that she was quite mean about the whole process. She made no mention of how horrible it would be and she seemed genuinely impatient and annoyed with me, despite the fact that I WAS PAYING HER HUNDREDS OF DOLLARS TO STAB ME IN THE FACE!

This only led to me thinking about how absurdly expensive all things medical are. The simple fact that the medical industry makes BILLIONS in proft every year while there is simultaneously a healthcare crisis is inexcusable. And don’t give me any free market ├╝ber alles bullshit either. It’s just plain fucked up is what it is.

  1. I thought you were all DIY. Why don’t you do your dentistry? [tony says: link removed because the high schoolers I teach read this website. Also, that shit is gross.]

  2. I still have my wisdom teeth because I refuse to pay to get them taken out. Look, the top two are down, they’re not hurting me… what’s the big deal?

    But if I ever get dental insurance, I’m getting these suckers out.

  3. Sounds like you need a new dentist…. I know a really GENTLE one near 285 and 75 if you are interested. Her name is Dr Celeste Coggin.

  4. Going to the dentist sucks. I just had a root canal last week and I still need two more crowns. At least your dentist didn’t tell you to give up sugar. All I could do was laugh in his face.

  5. Correction to GeorgiaGirl’s earlier comment. Dr. Celeste Coggin’s techinque is based entirely on the fact that, if you ask for it, they will give you Nitrous gas.

    This wonderful invention makes the process bearable.

  6. Wow. You just made me that much happier about my upcoming dentist appt. on Wednesday.

  7. Dr. Coggin gentle??? Are you serious? I went to her to get a single filling replaced. She ended up replacing two and also managed to bond my teeth together and then tried to repair that…except now i can’t even floss between the two teeth. The filling she “replaced” are now extremely sensitive to cold. Not to mention the fact that the fillings seem to move when i bite down and i have had cronic earaches since the whole episode. No way will i ever go back there…anyone have a recommendation for a NEW dentist?

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